


Torn Apart

by AnnaRaven



Series: Tumblr Smut Prompts [4]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Horizon (Mass Effect), Lovers who can't be together, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 00:09:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10887804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaRaven/pseuds/AnnaRaven
Summary: Shepard's reunion with Kaidan on Horizon is brutal and harsh, but Shepard finds he can't let his lover walk away so easily. What begins as a confrontation ends in a sweet, urgent, perfect moment that they both know could never last...





	Torn Apart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> Written for eli_kulokofsky who wanted ‘pure angsty heart aching bullshit that makes your chest wanna explode’. I hope this meets the brief :)
> 
> This is an alternative version of what happened immediately after Kaidan and Shepard’s confrontation on Horizon, assuming that they’d briefly been lovers on the SR-1.

“Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful.”

The words hung on the air as Shepard watched Kaidan turn and walk away. His body was thrumming with anger, with hurt, with disbelief; he suddenly hated how just seeing Kaidan again had fired his blood with need.

He raised a hand to his comm and called Joker for an evac, gave Miranda and Garrus orders to carry out before they left. But he couldn’t shake the restlessness shifting through his limbs, jittery and cold; the confrontation with Kaidan felt broken off, incomplete, all jagged edges and sharp points. If this was the last time he’d speak to the only man he’d ever loved, this wasn’t how it was going to end.

Shepard jogged around the corner after Kaidan, eventually catching up with him in a narrow alleyway between two prefabs. He called Kaidan’s name; Kaidan stopped but didn’t turn. Shepard didn’t know what to say, so he just opened his mouth and let it all come out.

“You’re just going to walk away?” he asked Kaidan’s back, his voice thick with emotion. “After everything we’ve been to each other, you’re just going to cut me off and disappear?”

“I don’t know you any more,” Kaidan said, turning to face Shepard. The look on his face, hot fury contained behind an ice-cold mask, made Shepard’s skin prickle. “The Shepard I knew would never have thrown in with Cerberus, no matter what they were promising him.”

“I’m still me, Kaidan,” Shepard said, taking a step closer. “I’m not clear on why they brought me back or what they want from me, but without them I wouldn’t be here at all.”

Kaidan winced, looking away. “That doesn’t mean you have to sell them your soul, Shepard.”

“That’s not…goddamnit, Kaidan, can you just put aside the judgement for a minute and listen to me?” Shepard asked, letting all of his raging emotions creep into his voice. “I didn’t ask to leave you, and I didn’t ask to come back this way. But until I know where I stand, I’m not going to just walk away from the only people who seem willing to support me.”

Kaidan’s eyes were wide, reflecting all of his feelings just like always. “Shepard, I…”

“I know this is a lot,” Shepard said, softening his voice. “But you used to trust me once. All I’m asking is for you to do that again.”

“I don’t know if I can,’ Kaidan said, and the quaver in his voice made Shepard’s chest ache. ‘Cerberus gets into people’s heads, twists them up, manipulates them to get what they want. You’re a great soldier, Shepard, and the best man I’ve ever…but you’re only human. You’re not immune to them any more than anyone else.”

“I’m not one of them,” Shepard said earnestly. “I haven’t forgotten about what they did to Toombs, or those soldiers on Alpha and Theta. I remember what we saw on Chasca, and their experiments with the rachni and Thorian creepers. “

“Then why?” Kaidan asked, his brow creasing in a frown that Shepard wanted to smooth out with kisses.

“Because I need them,” Shepard said baldly. “I need their weapons and their credits, their ship and their crew. As long as their aims line up with mine, I’m going to milk them for everything I can get. And when that’s no longer true, I’ll walk away.”

“You make it sound so simple,” Kaidan said, lifting a hand to rub his brow in a gesture Shepard remembered with absolute clarity. “I just…I don’t know what to believe.”

“Believe in me,” Shepard said, closing the gap between them. Tentatively, expecting Kaidan to stop him any minute, Shepard pulled off his gauntlet and reached up to touch Kaidan’s cheek.

The moment their skin touched, that old familiar flame flared into life. Kaidan closed his eyes and turned his face, nuzzling against Shepard’s palm. “I missed you so much,” he said, his voice thick and muffled and broken. “Every day…it never got better…every time I woke up it was like losing you over and over again…”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” Shepard said, tears prickling in his throat. “But I’m here now, Kaidan. I’m here now.”

Kaidan looked up at him then, his eyes shining with love and disbelief and sadness. “I can’t be with you, John. Not while you’re with them...there’s no way the Alliance will overlook it, even if I could.”

“I understand,” Shepard said, all but choking on the words. “I don’t want to compromise you any more than I already have.” 

Shepard dropped his hand and stepped back, but Kaidan immediately moved forward. “Wait, before you go… Do you have – can you stay a while longer?” 

“I can’t,” Shepard said, “Joker’s on his way, I don’t have much time…”

“Please, John,” Kaidan said, and the plaintive note in his voice had Shepard nodding before he’d consciously decided to. Kaidan looked around, then gestured towards one of the prefab buildings nearby. “Come with me, just a few minutes.”

“Anywhere,” Shepard said, and followed Kaidan into the cool, empty building.

In the darkness and the quiet, it was like the pressure and the heat of everything that had happened suddenly disappeared. They were just John and Kaidan, just two people who’d loved each other and lost each other and then found each other again.

When Shepard reached for Kaidan, he surged into his arms and kissed him like it was the first and last time. Their tongues touched and Shepard groaned, felt an answering shudder run through Kaidan.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” Kaidan said against Shepard’s mouth. “I never thought we’d have this again.”

“You’re all I’ve thought about since I woke up,” Shepard said, letting both gauntlets drop to the floor and fumbling for his hardsuit release valves. 

There was a giddiness to their actions as they stripped off, eyes devouring each other as though it was all a new discovery. Shepard looked for the scars he remembered, spotted some new ones, reached for the jagged line across Kaidan’s collarbone that he got from a training exercise at the Academy. His fingers traced Kaidan’s skin, which was warmer and smoother than he’d remembered, then his lips followed their path in trail of open-mouthed kisses. Kaidan’s hands came up around his back, almost hesitant until Shepard shuffled just a little closer and their naked cocks slid against each other.

“Fuck,” Kaidan sighed, fingers tightening, and Shepard’s breath hitched.

After that it was like they couldn’t stop kissing each other, touching each other; like their mouths and hands moving and sliding was the only thing keeping them breathing.

Kaidan’s hand enclosed them both, spreading and sharing their pearly pre-cum as he stroked firmly, gently. Shepard leaned his head on Kaidan’s shoulder and breathed him in, that Kaidan-scent that felt like home and acceptance and everything good. Kaidan’s breath in his ear was ragged, needy, and he kissed the shell of Shepard’s ear as his hand sped up between them.

“I’m so close,” Shepard said against Kaidan’s shoulder, the words so muffled he didn’t think Kaidan could have understood them

But Kaidan trembled against him and said softly in his ear, “Me too, John…let me feel you come,” and then Shepard came. It was like floating through space again, but this time the solid warmth of Kaidan kept him grounded. When Kaidan came too, Shepard couldn’t help the bubble of laughter that rose up through his chest, through his throat, and broke against Kaidan’s skin.

Kaidan took Shepard’s face in both hands and kissed him. When he pulled back there was a sparkle in his eyes, but a sadness too. “How can I let you walk away from me again?” he murmured, stroking Shepard’s jaw with his thumbs. “When you were…gone before it was bad, but knowing that you’re out there somewhere and not with me? I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.”

“You are,” Shepard said fiercely, his forehead pressing against Kaidan’s as he held his lover’s body close against his own. “I’m not sure of much any more, Kaidan, but I’m sure of you. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever met.”

They raised their heads and looked at each other again; deeply, intensely, as if memorising the moment. Their kiss was sweet but laced with bitterness, each knowing this could be their last. 

They suited up again in silence, and when Shepard said, “I should go,” Kaidan nodded with a soft little smile.

“I’m going to stay here a while,” Kaidan said. “I need to be somewhere quiet.”

And Shepard nodded, and smiled, and walked away.

Later, back on the Normandy, Garrus sidled up to Shepard in the mess while he was waiting for a pot of coffee to brew. “I’m going to be up pretty late working on the cannons, I could do with some help if you’re free,” he said, not looking at Shepard directly but standing close enough to show solidarity. “I also liberated a bottle of whisky from Donnelly’s locker, if that’s a clincher.”

Shepard smiled. “Thank you.”

Garrus nodded, hesitating before laying a hand on Shepard’s shoulder. “Kaidan loves you,” he said, quiet and smooth.

“Yeah,” Shepard nodded, swallowing down the wave of sadness and loss. “So, you going to show me where that whisky is?”


End file.
